As Mrs. David A. Carmichael, I would like to assure the reader that this journey chronicled here has been the most horrible, wonderful, terrifying and exciting time of my life. God has taken the two of us, and our four children, on the adventure of a lifetime. He took our anemic, atrophied faith and began to initiate us into the most rigorous training program imaginable.
God has asked
us to do what we never wanted to do. He asked us to go where we never
wanted to go. And eventually He asked us to, in effect, close our
eyes, and jump off the cliff into his invisible hand.
Now you need to realize that my
husband seems to relish this sort of adventure. Possibly, jumping
off of cliffs is a rush for him. Not so for me. I like stability.
I like continuity. I like predictability. Well, God had other
plans for me. He decided to stretch, build and sharpen me.
None of which are very pleasant for the one being stretched, built, and
sharpened.
When I look at myself in the mirror each morning, there are certain reflections that I don't want to see. For instance, I don't want to see Jezebel, Martha, or Lot's wife looking back into my eyes. I like to think of myself more in terms of Esther, Ruth or Mary. In the past I would say my motto would have been "Be it unto me according to your word." But the testing of my faith in these past seven years has almost invariably evoked cries reminiscent of Job's wife. "What did you do to bring all this on us?" I would mutter to my husband through gritted teeth. Once, I am not proud to say, I even came close to quoting the embittered wife of Job when she said "Why don't you just curse God and die?"
The school of Faith is not an end in and of itself. It is training ground for the rest of life on Earth. I can say now in perfect honesty that "Once I heard of you, but now I have seen you with my own eyes." I believe God has brought the pot of my life to full boil because there were impurities that had to be removed. It is likely because of me and my resistance to change that He has had to keep the heat on. He has been faithful to bring reprieve periodically, but the heat remains high.
This narrative
tells of some of the battles between flesh and spirit that we have wrestled
with. It by no means tells them all. What I hope stands out
to the reader is that God is trustworthy...all the time. He tests
us, refines us and reshapes us in order to build Godly character in us,
in order to use us.
I do not think God has ever doubted
the Carmichael's desire to be used by Him for His purpose, but I think
He realized He had a lot of work to do in us.
To simply obey
has been the hardest task I have ever come up against. To submit
without hearing from God personally, goes against my natural inclinations.
I finally came to the conclusion that if God told David to do something
that I thought was nutty, if I were to submit anyway, that I would score
a 100 on my part of the test. Even if David was completely wrong and scored
a zero, we would have a combined score of 50. Its not too great,
but its better than a zero we would have received if he heard wrong and
I rebelled too.
Every good story needs good characters,
a conflict, climax and resolution. You've got to have a protagonist
and an antagonist; a hero and a villain. Truly my husband has been
the hero in faith and I the faithless villain. So if it seems like
I appeared to be a naysayer, it is because in my history, it has been my
knee-jerk reaction to tribulation.
I feel some remorse
over this very human response. I take great hope, however, in the
renewal of our minds that faith in God instills. I am not so quick
to fear or doubt as I have in the past. The veil is being peeled
back to reveal the unseen to my hungry eyes. I am learning to view
the situations of my life with curious expectation rather than fearful
dread.
It has been a privilege to feast
on manna. Somehow what seems a simple fare is so sweet because of
it's heavenly origin. Could I ever go back to the Egyptian banquet
after living off of God's delicacy? I pray the Lord allow us to always
have account to trust Him for something. Self-sufficiency is a plague
that I want to forever avoid.